Traditions

Driving through the roads of where I spent a good bit of time growing up, we drove over a creek that I swam in as a child. The memories were so vivd this time, and we stopped to get a couple of pictures. I looked at Robby and realized he had been making this journey with me for 31 years. But I had been swimming or riding over this creek my whole life. The last time I rode over it with my kids was only two years ago, but it feels like a lifetime ago. I thought about all the pain and sorrow we have had in our family losing two beautiful women. One who had lived most of her 92 years in the same area, and the other who shared almost 34 years of memories there as well. It was an emotional journey this time with her children going with us to share traditions that started long before my time.

I looked at that creek, and my mind went back to the days of a kid younger than the boys with us. She was fearless running wild from the field to leap off the creek bank into the waters waiting below. The bank probably only six to eight feet tall seemed enormous to a child of around seven or eight. I remember starting a good ways back running as fast as those little legs could go and then leaping off trusting the water would catch me. And I asked myself if you had to do it again would you? Yes! Then I thought about all the choices good and bad I have made in my life and asked the same question; Would you do anything different? Of course I would. But I would not change anything about having my children. Even though Kayla's death has taken a toll on our family, I never regret one moment of our time together, good or bad. Her spirit was as wild and free as mine, and I wish she had seen a little bit more of that girl leaping through the air all those years ago. I wish I had told her of some of the stupid and crazy things I had done, but as a parent you try to guide them to be responsible. That is our job.

I have been reading the Psalms for weeks, and they remind me God is my refuge and shelter through all the difficult times. Just like that water being a safety net to jump, God is our safety net leaping through the unknown. I am thankful for the grief share we have gone through as a family at our church. It reminded me that traditions, especially around the holidays, are a blessing. We will laugh and cry, and have to blend some new traditions into the old ones. I watched the boys play football with all the kids, and I remembered Kayla and Zach playing in the exact same spot, just like I had done. We made it through the family Thanksgiving at Grandma's house, without Grandma or Kayla. And yes I cried as I looked around the house full of family and my heart hurt, because two years before they were both there. But watching her kids having a great time was worth making the trip to carry on family traditions.

I need a little bit of that fearless little girl back right now as I go through the rest of the holidays. Maybe I should had jumped off that creek again yelling, "Towanda". If you don't know the reference, you have missed out on a great movie.

Dawn Renee