Time

The one thing people seem to want is time. Time to do this and time to do that, so on and so forth. As you get older, you start to realize how short time really is. As a kid time seems so slow. Then you might go to college, get married and maybe have children. Sometimes, I look back on those years, and I remember a lot of good things, and things I could had done better. One thing I have zero regrets about is making sure we supported our kids in everything they did, having a family meal every night and raising them in church. I wanted them to have what I did not. And yes we made mistakes, but if you ask me about some of my best memories, I can assure you those would be at the top of my list.

But time is a thief and it is something you cannot get back. Now, I am trying to navigate my time through so much that has been lost the last few years. I have grieved over my suicide attempt, the loss of two parents, a child, a grandmother, friends and other very special people. To be honest every time I think I am doing better, here comes something else. I have had a lot of TIME to evaluate how I have managed my time since the end of 2019. Honestly, I have not done a good job. There are days I barely function, and days I can. I have literally sat in my chair crying a lot of days or just walking the creek in my pajamas. But the last few weeks, I have thought about loss and how it affects people in different ways. Someone told me several months back about their grief of losing a spouse, and that they knew it was not like losing a child. I was very quick to correct that. I would equate the pain to be equal. You invest in your children for 18 years, and then they leave and start their own paths, while you are active in their lives, your spouse is still with you every day.

I thought about how finite our lives are on this earth. We have a minute spot living on this earth, and the older I get, I realize my timeline is on the downhill side. It is scary that my time is getting shorter, and I ask myself if I have done enough good with the time I have had so far. Probably not, I am sure. When Kayla died something deep within me died, and I shut a part of myself off. There have only been a few people that I actually let see how raw that pain still is, and I just lost one of them. I have sat here for days thinking that I wish I could have one more conversation with some people. I know I will one day because I know they are where I am headed one day. We only have two choices where we will spend eternity, and I choose to spend it with the Lord. We will not be on a finite timeline there it will be for infinity.

Someone asked me if you knew Kayla was going to die before you, would you have had children? Without a doubt my answer was yes! She had a lot of movies she loved and Steel Magnolias was one of them. The best quote from that movie for knowing someone that was so vivacious was, "I would rather have 30 minutes of wonderful than a lifetime of nothing special." I looked to see when that movie came out and it was November of 1989. Kayla was born that year and about the time it came out, we were on Jekyll Island, and I have the cutest pictures of her laughing then. That's what time gave me, lots of good memories mixed in with some bad of course. So, spend your time wisely with the ones you love. Forget about the materialistic things and cherish the time you have with the ones you love and ground that love in Christ. 1 John 4:8 clearly says "God is love."

With the holidays coming up, I feel the sadness creeping in, as many do. I would like to enjoy the time, but I feel so uncertain some days of where I stand in peoples lives. I think sometimes I love to hard, and that can be a blessing and a curse. I honestly don't know some days if I have ever had anybody love me the way I love them. If you grew up the way I did, you will understand that statement. Maybe people cannot show it back. But, I know God's love is bigger than mine, even on the worst days. I am going to try and get grounded more in God's word, yet once again.

Dawn Renee