The Death of a Child

I do not know why I have not been able to sit down and write a blog on the death of a child. I have in short snippets, but nothing in a a lot of detail. No one is ever ready to hear, I am so sorry, but I have some terrible news. That night will be ingrained in my brain forever. That was the longest eight hour drive home, I have ever endured. Robby and I were blessed to have family follow us all the way home in the middle of the night. I still feel bad that I threw up in one of their flower pots. I think I was forgiven on that part. I guess with the anniversary coming up of Kayla's death it is bringing back a lot of those emotions.

My momma who suffered from Bipolar, OCD, and probably Borderline Personality Disorder, always said she looked forward to my birthday because she knew spring was coming. Sometimes, I think that was the only time when she cared about me. But Kayla died three and hours before my birthday, and I do not even look forward to it now. But I do not want this to be a discouraging post, but rather one on how I have dealt with the grief and to tell a little about Kayla.

Kayla suffered from ADD, OCD and anxiety, which at times made life difficult. All of which, she got mostly from me. I remember when I first took her to counseling, the counselor was like I did not think she had ADD, until I tried to carry on a conversation with her. She said Kayla did not know a thing she said to her. Her mind was always busy and she did take medication for a while to learn how to manage her ADD. And in later years she did take something for the anxiety. She was headstrong, determined and funny. Robby and I raised both Kayla and Zach to be independent, and sometimes we could all butt heads about things, but we always managed to be a pack. I miss all the little things, supper together, ballgames, band, tennis and our family outings. I miss hearing the sound of momma coming out of her mouth, her dramatic ways, her gullibility and those phone calls when she needed something right then. I miss seeing how she persevered when life got hard at times. Heck, I even miss when she would holler at all of us, especially when she and Zach would argue to the cows came home. I laugh when her children tell me her favorite food was pizza, knowing she was lying. She just did not like to cook. But her favorite food growing up was fried chicken, rice and gravy with baked beans. Even when she would run by, I would tell her we had chicken. She would say, "I am on a diet",but five minutes later she was sitting down with a plate in front of her.

I have been through even stage of grief, but bargaining. How can I bargain with God, knowing she is in a better place. But I have asked God for some things.

I asked to her her say momma again, and he gave it to me through a video.

I asked to see her play ball again, and he gave it to me through videos.

I asked to see her perform again with the band, and he gave it to me through a video.

I asked to see her goofy and fun side again, and he gave it to me through multiple videos.

I asked to have a Christmas with her again, and he gave it to me through pictures and videos.

I asked to have another Thanksgiving at Grandmas, and he gave it to me through videos.

There are many more moments I have recorded, and some I had no idea I had. But I found them when I needed them and now they are all digitized.

And I have prayed many a day and night for her to have peace, and peace she got. Just not in the way that I expected.

We were not a perfect family, but we spent our time together, because I wanted my children to experience a normal family life. That was something I never had, and I wanted them to have the best opportunities in life.

We are enjoying our time spent with the boys. We had a great time at the Hutchison thanksgiving this year, spent a flying fun trip to Arkansas, and I like to scream at the soccer games, just like their momma did. When I look at them, I see Kayla in each of them. I pray for them everyday, because I feel like they were cheated of so many things. But we are moving forward, and we talk about some of those silly times. I try to think day to day now, because when I think that I may still be here 20 years from now, it hits me in the gut that my daughter will not be there with me. She will forever be 33. So, continue to pray for me and everyone that has lost a child.

Proverbs 3: 5-6 says,"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways submit to him, and he will make your paths straight." I may not understand a lot of things, but I have faith He knows better than I do. I still experience anger and sadness, but God has placed good things in my path every time I need it. And for that I am thankful and grateful.

Dawn Renee