Life Lately

I realized today that I had not writte a blog post since March. I have been totally unmotivated to do much of anything. After being out ot therapy since 2023, I realized after an incident happened, I was not as healed as I thought I was. PTSD and trauma are ridiculously frustrating at times and then you add grief into the mix, and it feels like you are just watching life go by. Of course other contributing factors with my health issues have gotten me a little depressed. I have a wonderful therapist that I can telemed with and she has given me a lot of tools to utilize. She has been slowly helping me get some motivation back. I told her today, I just really miss my daughter. The older her children get the harder it is for me. I see her in them and it is bittersweet. I was talking with one the other day, and we were talking about chocolate milk. He siad,"Mom would run hot water through the coffee pot and make something." I was she made hot cocoa. He replied with, "yes." Grandma made it from scratch, daddy did and I still do sometimes camping. I was glad she continued the hot cocoa tradition. Now knowing Kayla, it was probably not from scratch, but she made it. So, I took him a couple of packets and told him, to make it like his momma did. I am about in tears writing, because she was passing traditions down. I did not know she made them cocoa. It's like Brunswick Stew, I don't know how many generations made it, but I still use the same recipe. 

To me it's the comfort from knowing there were good moments in my childhood. I cling to the grandparet moments and treasure them. It is the goodness of it. Lately, I have missed those moments. I am trying to find a way to pass them along not just to Zach and the boys, but to some that need a comforting moment in their life. My therapist has given me some good pointers on how to incorporate some small things back into my life. I actually went and bought some material, and I started laying out some designs for skirts. Learning to live a quieter life and knowing my physical limitations has been a challege. I find people very challenging to deal with now, whereas, I used to like being involved. But, true colors come out and you have to decide what's good for your own mentality along with the spiritual side. I cannot live in two different worlds. I have tried that and it just does not work. Solidarity is what I need. If that means my circle is 10 people, I am good. 

It is definitely baby steps moving forward, especially after losses. Oddly enough, I decided to recert the critical care, which means 100 hours of CEU's. I realized that that did not define me, and I will finish them, but it was a moment of been there and done that. And I still have the knowledge. I don't know why God put me on that path, I just trust it was meant to be done, and I am waiting to see what the next chapter brings. 

Dawn Renee