How it all Began

DAY 1 The first chapter in my book.

Learned Behavior

For you created in my inmost being;

you knit me together in my mother’s womb.

I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;

your works are wonderful,

I know that full well.

—Psalm 139:13–14 NIV

I am going to share a little of my childhood so you can understand

my views, mentality, and coping skills. Sometimes I think, Why am I here? I read this scripture and think, God, You created me, but why?

Why! Why! Why!

As a child, I learned early on how to walk on eggshells. I learned

to keep most of my opinions and thoughts to myself, from absolute

fear of being chastised. I was conceived out of wedlock, so I have

struggled with being an accident. And I have struggled with why

God created me, since the scripture says I was wonderfully made.

I remember vague snippets in my very early years of the manic

happy moments and the low depressive moments of my mother. I

can remember the tantrums of her screaming, her ripping up the

Christmas presents, the periods when she was gone for days at a time,

and then the crash would come, and she would just stay in bed. I

remember well the physical and mental abuse. I remember the exact

spot where my daddy told me they were getting a divorce. Add to that

it was the 1970s, and of course there was partying and us children

being left to our own devices if a babysitter could not be found. And I

had a younger sister, whom I had to learn to take care of. And I did till

the day I walked out of that chaos at the age of eighteen. Needless to

say, I walked straight into another mess, but we can discuss that later.

As I write this, all the negative and depressing memories come

flooding back. They make me want to stop writing and shut down

my computer and abandon this altogether. But I can feel the Holy

Spirit nudging me softly every day to keep writing. On good days

and bad days, there is this soft, gentle whisper in my soul, urging

me to stay on this path. It absolutely terrifies me to open some of the

doors I have closed off. It makes me feel vulnerable and weak that I

am not always in complete control. I would suspect most want to feel

like they are in control of their own life and destiny. But the truth is

not a single person in the world knows what is just around the corner.

When I look at the scripture for today, I still find myself asking

God, why am I here? Sometimes I just scream that question at the

top of my lungs. But I remind myself He is the creator, not me. That

can humble you very quickly.

I can assure you, I constantly ask why me a lot of days, but

I would like to get to a place where I can say, “Prepare me, Lord,

for the day. Prepare me for whatever comes my way, good or bad.”

Truthfully speaking, I probably will fail on the bad days.

As you go through today, simply ask the Lord to lead you.

Ask Him whom you might be able to minister to by sharing a

past hurt.

Hand over your heartaches that you are bitter about and ask

Him to give you a fresh word from the Scripture to start the healing

process.

These three requests look small on paper, but I know how big

they are in the world. I also know the healing process from past

traumas take time. There never is a quick fix; but we have a master

healer, who loves us, created us, and will help us through our journey

in a sinful world.

Do you believe you are wonderfully made by God? Why or why

not?